You never knew there was an evolution of vacuuming, did you? Ya, me neither. Well as I was vacuuming today, almost out of breath, I realized there is. Let me break it down for you.

Pre-Kid: I remember those glory days before we had a child, do you know the ones I’m talking about? Where you can maintain a train of thought and start and finish a task to completion without distraction? Ya, those days. Back then, my husband always knew he was in trouble if he came home to find me frantically vacuuming, in even more trouble if the rest of the house was cleaned too! :O  It was my go-to way to expend some negative energy while cleaning my house at the same time.

Early Infancy: If you’re a parent, you’ve probably tried, and possibly attempted to block out this stage of vacuuming. During this stage, you’ve resorted to vacuuming for the sole reason of peace and quiet. I know, sounds weird, right? This goes right along with the 5 S’. When you’ve been up for 23 straight hours, you’ve forgotten when and what you ate last, and you have a splitting headache from those amazing lungs your child has, the vacuum is the ONLY thing that will stop the crying. For whatever reason, per the 5 S’, the loud sssssh’ing works. So, my house was VERY, VERY clean during those early months.

Late Infancy: Now that your baby isn’t crying occasionally constantly, this signals the start of stage 3 (for those keeping count) of the Evolution of Vacuuming. During this stage, you’re enjoying life because, well, your kid isn’t exercising their lungs constantly. With that being said, they’re not sleeping either (was it just my kid who refused sleep altogether?) During this stage, my vacuum spent most of its time under the swing, or near the pack n play, because this was the one way my son was guaranteed to fall asleep. Needless to say, my house was still freakin’ immaculate!

Toddler Years: Ahhh, the lovely ones, twos, threes, and fours. Ya, nobody told you it’s not just the terrible two’s did they?!? Well that’s a totally different post entirely. During these years,  vacuuming was the only way to obtain tranquility. You heard me! I could cover up the whining, crying, constant noise, and all those lovely instruments my toddler loved to make music with. This was the only time I could give my ears a break and not listen to and/or chat with a toddler during the occasional monotonous days.

Elementary Years: And here we are to today! Vacuuming is so much more work than it used to be! So much so, I have been known to count it as my exercise on my “off” days since I can break a sweat from it. Why, you ask? Well because I run the vacuum…the ferocious vacuum. You’re already scared, aren’t you? This monster has been known to “attack” or “chase” a boy all around the house all while vacuuming the floors. It runs after him, it ducks while he jumps, it pivots while he turns. It comes to life while I vacuum. Now do you see why I’m sweating while cleaning my house? This is hard work people…entertaining a 5 year old AND cleaning house at the same time. Can I get an Amen?!?

I foresee another few stages added over the next 15 years or so. Maybe paying the middle school kid to do it all while having to listen to them complain about being paid, or even forcing the high schooler to vacuum in exchange for movie/mall money for a Friday night out with friends. And the saddest addition of all, the part where I start to vacuum again myself. No baby to soothe or put to sleep, no toddler noise to drown out, and worse of all, no sweet adventurous boy to chase around the house on his journey to capture the vicious vacuum monster.